Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
